Call Me Kris Dingle

Last year I had the misfortune of working as a department-store Santa for a few weeks. It was in a discount department store, too, so I had only the poorest, grimiest little bastards sitting on my lap. The pay, of course, was awful, and I think my costume may have had asbestos in it. But that is neither here nor there.

On the morning of Christmas Eve, I got up, set out my costume, cried in the shower for a little while — this was part of my routine — and went downstairs for some breakfast. My roommates — let’s call them Ed and Ted — had actually prepared a bowl of oatmeal for me, a nice warm gesture that almost made me forget what a shitty day I was about to have. When I was just about done eating, though, they burst out laughing uncontrollably. I asked them what was so funny. They were laughing too hard to talk at this point, so they both just pointed at the oatmeal.

“Oh god. What the hell did you idiots do?”

“Dude,” Ted said, “we crushed up Viagra… and put it in your oatmeal.”

“Two viagras!” said Ed.

No way, I thought. Very funny joke. But the assholes were dead serious. I felt sick to my stomach as I thought of all those grimy little kids sitting on my raging hard-on. I called my boss and said I wasn’t feeling so hot, asked if I could sit this one out. He said no fucking way.

By the time I showed up my erection was poking through my velour Santa suit. I took my throne quickly and just prayed no kids would notice. And shockingly, most of them didn’t. Or at least they didn’t say anything. I got a few sideways glances, sure, and one girl said that I had a lap “just like daddy,” which I really didn’t like hearing, but there were no catastrophes, no calls to the police. Although there was this one teenage guy who sat on my lap as a goof to impress his girlfriends and knew right away exactly what was going on downstairs.

“What the hell, dude?” he asked.

“My friends slipped me Viagra this morning,” I answered.

“Oh. That’s pretty funny. Well, merry Christmas, man.”

With that, he got off my lap and my day — and my career as a Santa — was over.

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3 Responses to “Call Me Kris Dingle”

  1. 1 hahahaha November 30, 2010 at 4:43 PM

    hahahah oh man i HOPE that i can one day pull off a prank as great as ur friends’ .. as much as that sucks for you that is absolutely HILARIOUS. ho ho hoooo merry christmas

  2. 2 fucked up! December 1, 2010 at 12:34 AM

    that is truly twisted. your friends sound like real (funny) pricks!

  3. 3 You need viagra? December 1, 2010 at 12:35 AM

    What are you, 85? cough cough gay cough.

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