Why I No Longer Sell Knives


After being unemployed for months, I was absolutely thrilled when I finally got a call from a company named Vector Marketing. I had no idea what the company did, really, but I didn’t care. I just needed money. So when I showed up and learned that working for Vector Marketing meant selling Cutco knives door to door, I was, as you can probably imagine, a little surprised. But I took the job anyway, figuring I might as well at least make some money until a better offer came along. Sure, there was no real training, and sure, the salary was largely commission-based, but what did I care. I was employed, baby!

When I knocked on that first door with a briefcase full of knives in my hand, I felt totally unprepared. And pretty creepy.

“Hi, sir, I’m a sales representative from Vector Marketing, and I was wondering if you might be interested–”

“–Sorry, buddy. Already got plenty of shit I don’t need.”

And that’s how the first day went. Not one goddamn sale. Day two, I tried switching up my sales pitch:

“Hi, ma’am, are you happy with how your knives cut?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Oh. Well could you be happier with how your knives cut?”

“I guess?”

And I was in. Before she knew it, I was already midway through my demonstration of how easily Cutco knives slice through anything from celery to pepperoni. I felt like it was actually going well, too — she may even have been impressed. The sale was within my grasp. I was made for this job. When I finished slicing the last piece of pepperoni, though, I realized I had made large gashes all over this lady’s dining table. Fuck. I had forgotten to lay down the cutting board. I decided to put a positive spin on it.

“As you can see, even a dining table is no match for Cutco’s patented sharp-blade technology!”

I didn’t make the sale, and I didn’t ever make a sale. I guess marketing just wasn’t for me.

 

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4 Responses to “Why I No Longer Sell Knives”


  1. 1 love those cutcos November 30, 2010 at 4:30 PM

    omg i had one of you come to my house and i LOVED when you cut the quarter in half with your bad ass scissors!

  2. 2 me too! November 30, 2010 at 11:48 PM

    haha i applied to “vector marketing” too after graduating. luckily i did some research before showing up to the interview!

  3. 3 funnnnnnnnny November 30, 2010 at 11:49 PM

    leaving gashes on her dining table = priceless. hope you found a better job!

  4. 4 hey! November 30, 2010 at 11:50 PM

    my mom works at cutco, pal, so you shut it! it’s true, though — she hates her job.


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