executive custodial specialist, man


i’m a janitor at the local college. obviously cleaning up puke and shit isn’t my idea of a great day or anything, but what really pisses me off is this professor. he wears tweed coats with elbow patches — and that’s fine, be a professor if you’re a professor — and then he tries to pretend like he’s all working class, like me and him are in this together or something. i was mopping up some disgusting shit in the hallway and he comes up to me and he’s like “how was the weekend, man?” the weekend was fine i say. “yeah i know whatcha mean, man, fine weekends — just chillin’ and shit. that’s where it’s at, man.” i wanted to punch him right then and there.

later i was laying sawdust where this kid threw up and the professor comes up to me and says “man, this job is killing us.” i say killing us? we have different jobs. “yeah, i know whatcha mean, man, but really we’re both just employees. we’re both controlled by the employer. man.” he almost forgot to say man that time. “well,” i said, “if our jobs are so similar maybe you’d wanna switch then?” i could tell he wasn’t so crazy about this idea. “yeah, we could, but you’ve already been trained in your field, and i’ve been trained in mine. and god’s honest truth, i don’t think i could ever catch up. besides,” he went on, “your job ain’t so bad.” yeah, he said ain’t. “just instead of telling girls you’re a janitor, tell them you’re an executive custodial specialist, man.” i just about shit a brick. “you really think that’ll work,” i say. “no doubt about it, man. what sounds better to you — janitor or executive custodial specialist?” both sound kind of shitty, i say, and i walked down the hallway and out the door.

 

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