“A Dog Walk To Remember”

First of all, I’d like to thank Hollywood for putting the delusional idea in my head that becoming a dog-walker was a good idea. Special thanks go to classics 101 Dalmations, In Her Shoes (a slutty depressed illiterate Cameron Diaz.. so convincing.. the acting job of a lifetime), and Must Love Dogs.

It could be that I started out biting off way more than I could chew. There is definitely no lack of opportunity for a dog walker in NYC. The first day I put my sign up in the local coffee shop advertising “A Dog Walk To Remember”, I got around 50 calls. One New Yorker, who must have really been in a hurry, missed the “Dog” part of my sign and called asking when and where the showing was so he could come and watch the only movie that can make him cry.  Some of the callers requested references. Of course I have none… who would think you would need to have references to walk someone’s dogs. Well, I lost those clients. Good riddance, I thought.

Maybe those snobby callers were right, though. Maybe I’m not even fit to walk dogs. My second week on the job, tragedy kind of struck. Ruffles, the bijoun freeze (that is totally the wrong spelling.. I really should know how to spell my clients’ names–just writing this is showing I need to retire my dogwalking leashes pronto) stepped on a nail! She started howling and moaning and I had NO idea what was wrong. I thought she was having a heart attack, or something! She just slumped down and started making those terrible noises. I had no idea what to do. I acted on instinct, jumped in a cab with all 5 dogs, told the driver to rush me to the nearest hospital and 5 minutes later I’m running into the emergency room holding 4 leashes in one hand and Ruffles scooped up in my other arm. I was ridiculously out of place and I looked pretty damn stupid. People were staring me and the 5 dogs up and down, and I felt like I’m sure those people who have the ‘naked in school’ dreams feel. It didn’t help that one little girl squealed, “Look mommy, Cruella Deville.”   “First of all, little girl, these are NOT dalmations. Second of all, are you color blind? Because my hair may have some bad roots right now, but it is not half white and half black, thankyouverymuch.”  I didn’t actually say that, but rather came up with it that night in bed as I went over and over the terribly embarrassing moments of the day.

Anyways, soon a doctor came over with one of those disapproving father-like looks to see what the hell I was doing with 5 dogs in his emergency room. He must have felt really bad for me or something, because instead of kicking me out, he calmed me down, found the nail in her paw, extracted it, and told me next time to go to a vet. Damn, just writing this makes my cheeks flare up red again. I’m still so embarrassed! And Ruffles’ mom wasn’t so happy about having her “baby in the hospital without her knowing.” So yeah, it was a good idea while it lasted, but I don’t think I’m cut out for being a dogwalker. More stressful than I thought. I’m going to start applying for a nice, boring, relaxing desk job.


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