i don’t have a job per se but i do participate in a lot of medical trials. no, not as a doctor or a medical consultant — i swallow pills and get side effects. some pills make me shit too much, some make me shit too little, others don’t affect my shitting. those are what doctors call the “money pills.” last month i was taking this horse pill that, not to be super crass or anything, made me really fucking gassy. i would literally have to fart every five minutes. i couldn’t eat, i couldn’t sleep, my sex life had gone to shit. i tried to just grin and bear it but after a while i realized a few hundred bucks wasn’t worth this kind of agony. so i went to the head doctor and told him about my symptoms, said i’d like to withdraw myself from the trial. he told me, get this, i was part of the placebo group. i had been taking sugar pills. then what the fuck is making me so gassy, i asked him. he asked what i had for lunch. i said arby’s. he gave me a “you should know better” look and gave me another sugar pill, which i slid down my stupid gullet. i should probably look into getting full-time employment.
My Job is Shittier than Yours 
That was great!