Archive for the 'tales of the unemployed' Category

Unemployed Part III: Yes, my name is Albert… Don’t laugh


…1.5 months later…

“Hi, is this Albert.”

“Yes, yes it is. May I ask who is calling?”

“Its Dunkin Donuts… Look, we have an opening for the 3am-9am shift. You want it?”

“Umm no sorry.”

“Yeah, no kidding… we’ve been trying to find someone all month.”

So ya, the only job offer I have received in the past 3 months since graduating from one of the top colleges with a 3.7886384 GPA is a Dunkin Donuts Grave Digger shift. They were even looking for someone for a full month before they tried to ask me. Fuck liberal arts schools and fuck my well-roundedness.

My lack of job is shittier than yours.

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Unemployed Part II: From spanks to maybe munchkins?


Fuck babysitting. Seriously, kids have no respects for their elders. I tried to take the TV remote away from the kid to make him do his hw (even though the Mom warned me it would be useless) and the kid spanked my head with it. And yes, spanked is the best verb to describe what he did. I think you can visualize it best that way.

Anyways, I still need to make some moolah so I saw DD was hiring today when I went in for my daily Venti Coffee Colata with extra cream. Shit, I mean large… Venti is so Starbucks and so last year. So ya, I filled out my application right then and there. I’ll probably hear from them tomorrow, and then at least I can make myself coffee whenever I want and I can probably even sneak like 3 munchkins a day without them noticing their stock is dwindling.

 

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Unemployed Part I: I’m a self-confident ass


So I’m a recent college graduate from one of the top liberal arts schools in the country. Everyone always asked me “What are you gonna do with a liberal arts education?” And I always replied with a defensive rant..” What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I think the better question is what am I NOT gonna do!?!? When I graduate I’ll know more about more subjects than you can even imagine. I bet you know nothing about Latvia in the year 1932. And I don’t either… yet! But, I’m sure its like really important in the whole scheme of globalization and my transexual famous pop singer from the 80s who now lives in a tent in the middle of the quad will teach me about it tomorrow. Speaking of globalization… did you know that the Japanese consider McDonalds only a snack because there is no rice included? Like they need to eat rice to be full! And that in Disneyworld there’s a hierarchy system among all the employees and for the girls the higher up you are the sluttier the outfit you get to wear.. like the Himalayan chicks are totally at the top with those Hills-are-alive-with-music Heidi kinda shit outfits. Anyways, sorry, I just know so many interesting facts. I could probably entertain people all day with them. Which is why I’ll probably ace every job interview I have after college. With my sheer intellect and wit and knowledge of every possible subject.

…The summer after graduation…

Well no luck with the job search yet. Guess I should apply to some shitty job just to make some cash so I can continue buying my pet hamster, Mini, her favorite food–Brown’s Nutrition Plus. If you’ve never heard of it, its like the Purina of hamster food–the golden ticket to a perfect digestive system. Her poops are like perfectly formed pellets compared to that messy poop shit when I give her the cheap shit, Brown’s Tropical Carnival Gourmet Food. Like c’mon, I don’t need to pretend I live in Hawaii and neither does Mini. I’d give her a Pina Colada and let her watch Jersey Shore if I wanted her to know tropical. Guess I’ll try to find a babysitting job so I can tutor the kids and teach them all I learned in Latin 101. Carpe diem, right! That’s seize the day… if you didn’t know.

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